I’m on the train to Provincetown today, and I’ve been a little bit in my feels this morning, so please indulge me in some (more) vulnerability before I go into how wonderful Fire Island was.
I hate how much I miss him right now. Traveling alone has been very fun, but he and I traveled so well together and had so much fun exploring. Aaron was more than just my partner, he was my best friend, and more than anything I miss his companionship. He was great at making me feel relaxed and at peace wherever we were. I knew that as long as he was with me I would be safe. It’s amazing how quickly you can start to rely on someone else for those feelings of comfort and safety, and to have that same person rip it all away from you in an instant makes it all the more crushing and devastating. Will I ever be able to trust someone with my feelings in the same way? Only time will tell, but I know I’ll be much more guarded and cautious in the future. My trust in relationships has been shattered, and I don’t know how long it will take to put the pieces back together.
A friend reached out the other day and shared that she was happy to see such a vulnerable glimpse into my life, and it made me realize how much I have enjoyed being vulnerable through my writing. Getting my thoughts onto paper is one thing, but being able to share those thoughts with the friends and family who love me is a lot more powerful. Thank you all so much for your support thus far, I love reading all of your messages.
The Gayest Island
I left katie’s apartment very early to catch the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR) out to Sayville where there is a ferry that will take you across the bay to Cherry Grove or Fire Island Pines (two neighboring towns on Fire Island). I booked a spot at The Grove hotel in Cherry Grove, so I got on the ferry around 9:30 AM and I was off to the island!
The weather was gorgeous during my whole stay hovering around 80 degrees and sunny most days, but was still very humid. I got to my hotel around 10 AM where they held onto my luggage while I waited for my room to be ready. The reason I wanted to get to the island so early was because I signed up for a yoga class at The Belvedere hotel down the street. The class started at 11, but they were super nice and let me hang out at the pool while I waited for it to start.
Yoga was really nice, but it was also incredibly hot and humid to be doing anything strenuous outside so I was absolutely drenched in sweat. The yoga class was entirely nude (sorry mom 🙈) and the other guys in the class were all very handsome and incredibly nice. After probably losing a gallon of water in sweat, the class was over and the majority of the class stuck around to hang out in the pool and socialize. It was such a great introduction to Fire Island and how friendly everyone would be over the next couple of days during my stay.
After a few hours I got a message that my room was ready, and I was also getting very hungry, so I left The Belvedere and headed back down the street to The Grove to grab my room key. I had heard Fire Island was extremely expensive so I had brought a bunch of food from Trader Joe’s, and I ate a salad and a granola bar from what I had for lunch. I took a break in the A/C and got myself organized before heading out to explore Cherry Grove and Fire Island Pines.
I realized during my trip that the majority of the events were happening in Fire Island Pines (or just “the pines” as everyone calls it), so I found myself walking over a mile each time I wanted to go to the pines and vis versa when I went back to my hotel. Most of the walk is boardwalk, but the area in-between called the “meat rack” is all sand and it was a workout every time. In the future I will probably stay in the pines instead. The fact that the entirety of Cherry Grove and Fire Island Pines is boardwalk or sand without any cars makes the entire island feel like one big gay summer camp. It was like nowhere else I’ve ever been and I loved it.
When I travel alone, I am the kind of person who quickly seeks out new friends. Luckily in Fire Island there is “low tea” every day from 6 - 8pm at The Blue Whale. I met a couple of really great guys while I was there, one of which was this guy Brent and his friends. They invited me to join them at the beach the next day which I gladly accepted. I hung out with them and met some other folks while I enjoyed the beautiful weather and had a few drinks. I trudged back over to Cherry Grove to grab some overpriced dinner, watched the sunset, and then passed out by 10pm. I had wanted to go out to the show tunes night, but it was over in the pines, and I was way too exhausted from a full day of sun, walking, and drinking.
Monday, July 15
I slept in and headed to the one place in town for breakfast called Floyd’s. There I got a tasty breakfast sandwich and some coffee, and then got myself ready to meet up with Brent and his friends at the beach. They had this really great popup shade structure that was weighed down with sand on the four corners. I was so grateful to have a nice space out of the direct sun because I normally can’t stay out for very long without getting overheated and burnt. Everyone in the group was so welcoming and nice and I quickly knew I had connected with the right people. I stayed with them for the better part of 3 hours, before getting too hungry and heading back to my hotel. I took some time to relax in the air conditioning and decided to check out the pool at The Grove which I hadn’t been to yet.
At the pool I met a throuple from the city and hung out with them for a little while we drank, swam, and vibed to the poolside DJ. I had hoped to meet up with them later, but our schedules didn’t line up much the rest of the time I was there until the last day where I was able to get a photo with them:
I had told Brent and the guys I would meet back up with them at tea, so I showered off from my long day at the beach and the pool, got dressed, and headed back over to the pines for low tea. On my way, I saw a sign that was advertising a Piano Bar evening at a place called Reflections from 7-10pm, but more on that later. At tea, I grabbed a drink and hung out with my new friends. The vibe on Fire Island is so different from New York or San Francisco. Everyone is more friendly and open to getting to know new people. It really does feel like summer camp in that way, and people’s inhibitions are down and it’s so easy to make new friends. After tea I said goodbye and told the guys I wanted to hit up the piano bar I saw an ad for, and boy am I glad I did!
The location of the piano bar was a giant house in the pines with a gorgeous grand piano in the center of the living room. The lights were set to be pink and blue and it created such a fun ambiance in the space. The piano singalong was well underway when I arrived, so I grabbed a seat towards the back to listen and join in on the songs I knew.
After a few songs, the piano player started playing what he called a “deep cut” that “probably nobody knows” which I instantly recognized as a song from “Songs for a New World” by Jason Robert Brown. When he asked if there were any other singers in the room, I raised my hand right away and was asked to go up and sing a solo. Since I knew the pianist could play Jason Robert Brown (notorious for having very difficult piano parts), I asked to do “Moving Too Fast” from The Last 5 Years. I think it was a mixture of the alcohol and adrenaline, but I knocked the song out of the park. It was probably the best I’ve ever sounded on that song, and the crowd loved it! I even had a small standing ovation with people yelling “encore!”, which was truly an incredible feeling. I spent the rest of the evening singing along with everyone, and was able to get up and do one more song before the night was over.
Afterwards, a number of people came up to me to say how good I sounded, and I was so flattered by everyone’s kindness and compliments. Later that evening when I was walking home, I got stopped on the boardwalk and asked “are you that cute guy who sang at Reflections?”. This was all part of a pattern that I noticed while I was on Fire Island: I felt very desired. This is going to sound very conceited, but I really felt so sexy and wanted by so many of the guys there. It was kind of surreal, especially when it was coming from men who, in my mind, were way out of my league. It was very validating and made me feel so good about myself after so many months of feeling rejected and unwanted.
The walk back to the Grove was beautiful in the moonlight.
Tuesday, July 16
I was already on my last day in Fire Island and it felt like it went by too fast. I spent the morning relaxing after a late night the day before. In the early afternoon I went back to the beach with my new group of friends and hung out with them for a few more hours. They invited me over to the house they were all renting together before tea, and a few of the guys “competed” in a drag show where Brent would come up with a theme that they all had to meet with their outfits and a short skit. It was absolutely hysterical and I couldn’t help but wonder how I got so lucky to be invited to spend my time with this super fun and friendly group of guys. I could see the relationship they all had with each other, and it made me realize how special it was to have a group of people who are more like family than friends. I thought of my own friends who I consider to be my chosen family and how grateful I am they are in my life.
We all went over to tea together, about half of the house in drag since it was “drag tea Tuesday”. A few of them competed in the drag competition, and Clay (Polly Esther) from the house ended up winning! The crowd was so fun, and I just loved being surrounded by such great people and energy. After the drag show, basically the entire bar migrated over to the docks nearby to watch the sunset together. All the guys were taking photos together, and I was even invited into their group shot! I was so honored to have been included so quickly.
I walked back to the house with them expecting to head back and eat dinner in The Grove by myself, but everyone insisted that I stay with them for dinner. I was so happy to be able to spend more time with them, and I could tell that the feelings I was having towards all of them was mutual. Alex cooked up a delicious meal, a bunch of us swam in the pool, we drank, laughed, and had the most wonderful evening. I walked back to my hotel that night beaming with joy from the kindness and friendship these men shared with me. I packed up my suitcase and got into bed knowing I had an early morning commute to Provincetown.
Fire Island was so much more special than I realized, and I definitely want to make another trip back there.
Much love,
Tyler
This sounds amazing! That cabaret evening experience is bucket list stuff 😍